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Different Dads, Same Life Lessons

June 14, 2012 by 5 Comments


Photo by McCluckles

This is a Guest Post by Brandi and Brandon Duncan for our Father’s Day Memories Series 2012.

Brandi and I grew up in much different households with often-differing values and traditions. But, regardless of these differences, we also had several similarities. With Father’s Day approaching, we decided to write this from the perspective of the similar things we learned from our dads. Here are the top five things that two very different people taught us: (in no particular order)

Work Ethic

Both of our dads are hard workers. Brandi’s dad has always been more of a hands-on type of person working in maintenance, oil rigs, and construction type jobs. Mine was military for 30 years, then moved on to technology and communications based jobs. Regardless of the field,  both have unsurpassed work ethic, and they both taught us that you work for what you want and don’t take handouts.

A friend in need…

Both of our dads would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it. This is certainly a dying quality in people these days. The funniest thing about them both, though, is while they would do anything for you; it may not have always been the things you thought you needed at that time. Both seemed to have an uncanny knack for knowing what was better for you in the long term rather than the short. It made us both appreciate the “Teach a man to fish…” adage.

Be open-minded and never judge

This is certainly a lesson that we all need to continue to pass down. Neither of our dads judged people at face value. Bigotry had no place, though both of them came from a time when it was a common practice. Our kids face a much more diverse society than even we did growing up, but we continue to reinforce that a person is a person regardless of their sexual preference, color, religion, or where they live.

Treat others…

Manners will get you everywhere. Granted, where Brandi’s dad is from, “yes, sir/ma’am” is expected (and enforced, even in schools) and that was not the case in my home, both of our dads insisted on showing respect to others and you treat people how they should be and how you would want to be treated yourself. Surprisingly enough both of them used the phrase “always be invited back”—something we both still use today. Our kids know that they are to act not only right, but also in such a way that the other parent would not hesitate to have them over again.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

One of the most endearing qualities in both of our dads is that neither takes their self very serious. Both have the mentality that you work hard and you make the time to play hard. Beyond making it a rule that you enjoy your life, they both agreed that you can’t let the little things in life get to you. After all, if you stress about the little things, what are you going to do when faced with something big? More than that, they both taught us that some things you just can’t avoid, so find a way to fix it rather than focusing on how bad it is at the moment. (I believe mine once uttered that “a bill never killed anyone”—very true.)

There you have it—two very different dads who instilled very similar values into their kids. Brandi and I are thankful for these lessons and are adamant about passing them to our kids. And, both of us will admit that it sure is nice to hear how well-behaved and good our kids have been when they return from somewhere. We must be doing something right.

In closing, Brandi and I want to thank Raul, Lucy, and the rest of the Papa Heroes team for the opportunity to guest post on their wonderful blog. We look forward to watching it continue to grow and continue to be a great resource for parents in the fight for online safety and good parenting for our kids.

Thanks to Team Duncan for submitting this post. You can find Brandi (@DuncanBrandi) and Brandon (@BrandonPDuncan) here:

Photo  by  McCluckles


Filed Under: Family, Fathers, Papá Heroes, Parental Advice, Wisdom Tagged With: , , ,

Courageous

January 25, 2012 by 1 Comment

 

For the past few months, I’ve heard numerous people talk about Courageous. “A movie that every father needs to watch”, they said. They were correct.

Let me start by saying, I cried like a little girl. There. I admitted it. Now we can move forward. Remember what I said back when I wrote about The Human Torch? Well this movie takes that to a whole new level.

I’m not going to spoil it for you, but let me say that the movie encourages any father to become better at it. To follow God’s guidance and make sure we up-bring our children correctly. But that’s not the end of it. By becoming better fathers, we become better neighbors, better co-workers and better human beings.

The movie has drama, comedy, action, suspense… EVERYTHING. I was baffled by the amazing talent the Kendrick Brothers showed with the script, as well as the talented actors they chose to portray their characters. I will purchase the DVD as soon as I see it. But even more, I plan on buying the book on which the movie was based. I will make the resolution. And you know what?, you just became my witnesses.

Now, turn off your computer and head out to get the DVD. I rented it at my local RedBox machine, I’m sure you have one near by also.

Here’s the preview to get you started.

If you saw it or will see it now that I’ve mentioned it, drop us a line on the comments sections. I’d love to now what you got from the movie. What you learned, and best of all, what you will apply on your life now that you’ve seen it.

Filed Under: Fathers, Papá Heroes, ParentHood, Wisdom Tagged With: , ,

The Power of Choice

December 9, 2011 by 2 Comments

 

One of the more frequent topics of my blog, Gil The Jenius, is about the power of choice. It might even be the underpinning to the blog’s zeitgeist, if you will.

The shortest post I ever wrote was exactly that: What is the power of choice? Aware of that power, I helped my son learn it…and I learned more about it as well.

Kaleb was four, close to turning five. I picked him up at the pre-school and we went to the mall, looking for a few items, but with a particular one in mind: a little race car. At the time, I had made huge copies of a racetrack and with my son and nephews, played a dice-based racing game. We used Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars to spend a few hours a week playing and racing, with Kaleb winning more often that anyone else, I might add…miffed.

We went into Wal-mart and headed for the toys section. A dazzling array of cars covered almost half an aisle and as Kaleb looked for his, I looked at the goofier ones (a hot rod hearse caught my eye.) After a few minutes, Kaleb came up to me with three cars in his hands and an anxious look in his eyes. “Dad,” he said, “I like these.”

A dollar each. Three dollars total. But I’d said–and he’d agreed–we’d get only one. “Pick one,” I replied. His eyes darkened.

He set the three cars on some empty shelf space. In a few seconds, he took one car and placed it aside. Two cars. Two dollars. It’s only an extra dollar, right? He stared at each car. Then again. I noticed I was holding my breath. I tried to relax. He leaned over a little, looking even more closely at the cars. Now my heart was pounding. It’s only two dollars. Two dollars! I waited. My heart pounded out the seconds.

Suddenly Kaleb hunched over, his body a tight fist in struggle. He was trying so hard… I forced myself to wait and to my surprise, I was fighting back tears. Why am I doing this to him? It’s only a dollar!

I waited.

Then, like water, he straightened up and looked at me with a beautiful smile of happiness. With no hesitation, he held up one car and said, “This one!” Before I could reply, he took the other two and put them back. Gave me time to wipe my eyes.

We walked to the checkout, my hand on his shoulder as he looked at the car. His car. The one he had chosen when choosing was not the easiest path.

I’m not sure if Kaleb remembers this incident, for although children (especially him) have a remarkable memory for key moments, what happened that day was more remarkable to me than to him. I was trying to teach him about the power of choice, and yet I ended up learning so much more: about him and his wondrous qualities and about me and the love I feel for my son. For you see, I could have done the easy thing and chosen to buy both cars. It would have only taken another dollar. But I loved him enough not to, even though it caused me pain. So we both learned more about the power of choice.

Not all our decisions as parents have that trade-off, but isn’t it wonderful when we get them right, when we choose the path that empowers?

 

Photo by wriccobene

Filed Under: Choices, Fathers, Lessons, Papá Heroes, Wisdom Tagged With: , , , ,

Glue

December 8, 2011 by 1 Comment

The sun had already set on the horizon. The day had brought long hours and busy minutes. The seconds had taken triple as long to pass. At last, the time to go home had arrived and Daddy jumped in the car. Master Yaddle was waiting for him to finish buckling his seat bealt, when Daddy said: “Go! Let’s get outta here!”

The car raced on the highway. The lights of the road painted beautiful white/yellowish colors upon the car’s windshields. The roar of the engine channeled the rage the couple was feeling, from a incredibly long day. Although classical music played on the radio, they listened to heavy metal. Being the wisest one, Master Yaddle spoke first: “We need to calm ourselves. They can’t see us like this”. Daddy nodded in agreement, and the music changed back to Mozart.

Almost an hour had gone by. The fresh cold air of San Lorenzo’s mountains dressed the atmosphere with a most amazing Puerto Rican Christmas Spirit. The sound of the guitar and the “Cuatro” was felt as soon as the doors of the car were opened. Daddy looked around, as if to see where the music was coming, when the house’s door opened and his baby Boy shot right out of it. His Princess followed; running towards them both with open arms. Whatever was left of the day’s rage vanished in an instant. Master Yaddle smiled with closed eyes while enjoying the close embrace her daughter had given them.

A few seconds later she noticed, that something was not right. Even though her boy had hugged them in excitement, his eyes were watery and his chest filled with sadness. Daddy looked at Master Yaddle and without the need for words they both thought their lateness was the culprit of their son’s tears.

They all said their goodbyes to Tita and Tito. The car, once again, embraced the family and took them home. At home, Master Yaddle tried to learn why her son was so blue. She picked him up, and with much love, looked at his eyes and said: “What’s wrong, honey?” The boy held his breath for a second, and tears started flowing from his eyes. His sister came over and brought his book bag. Apparently she knew what was going on. Daddy observed the scene with anticipation. The boy got off from his mother’s arms, opened his bag and started looking for something that lay inside. When he took it out of the bag, Daddy understood exactly what his son felt. He had felt the same a long time ago.

Batman was broken. His top half had been severed from his bottom half. The boy’s toy was dead to his eyes. Mom got down on her knees, while dad, took the corpse from his hands. Princess took a step back and hugged her Daddy’s leg in hopes that everything would be settled. Dad felt a sudden chill up his spine and water filled his eyes. Master Yaddle swallowed her feelings and simply said: “I’ll make it better, honey.”

The next morning, while Dad cooked up breakfast, the Sun rose and smiled upon every living thing. It’s warmth cleared the coldness of the night with perfect timing. Brother and sister came to eat their meal, while Master Yaddle walked silently over to her son. Daddy turned with a great smile on his face, while his daughter tried to look at what her Mommy had on her hands, behind her back. In anticipation, the son jumped from his seat and with the rays of the sun in his face gave his mother a wide smile which was the result of a mended Batman that lay on his mother’s sticky hands. Glue had saved the day.

Filed Under: Comfort, Family, Papá Heroes, ParentHood, Wisdom

Breaking the Rules

December 2, 2011 by 1 Comment

"Rule Maker Breaking Rules" by: Askgandhi on Flickr.

In school, I remember how teachers used to tell us that there were always exceptions to the rules. Even at home, Dad would tell me the same thing. Problem was, when I chose to disobey and break the rules (therefore making an exception) it was not taken so lightly. But I digress.

Late Night Dinner

A few nights ago, Master Yaddle and I arrived late to pick up our kids. By the time we got home, it was already sleeping time for them. We were awfully tired and hungry. Instead of helping them put on their pajamas and washing their teeth, we chose to grab a bite. When they saw we were eating, the both wanted to eat as well.

We looked at each other and said, “What tha’ heck”. I cooked them their fourth meal of the day. They quickly ate their food and we were astonished. Afterwards, I concocted a delicious Hot cup of cocoa for all of us. While we sipped on our cups, jokes flew around our household and we played around. We opted to be silly when our usual selves would’ve sent them straight to their beds. That was our exception.

A Night to Remember

When we finally ended playtime, they were exhausted (of course, so where we!) and fell asleep almost instantly, leaving Master Yaddle and I with a huge sense of peace and very nice smiles on our faces. Although we cannot do this every night, breaking the rules… OUR rules made the night an amazing one. A night we’ll talk about for a long time.

On the downside, the very next morning had an awful start. Complete with grumpy moods and sleepy eyes. But at least we were happy to have had a very special night before.

Taking a lesson and applying it elsewhere

So, my spanish teacher was right. There’s always an exception to the rule. And like my art professor in College used to say, “you must learn the rules to know how to break them. And when you decide to break them be sure to do it to improve upon what the rules were set out to accomplish”. Professor McKinnon nailed it there. And, hey!, no one yelled or punished me for having my way this time! Win.

How about you, have you ever broken any of your own rules and did not regret it afterwards? Can you tell us without stepping into some trouble? Then, DO TELL!

Filed Under: Choices, Papá Heroes, Wisdom

Dad Rules #4: Changing Priorities

October 5, 2011 by 1 Comment

Changed Priorities Ahead by: add1sun on Flickr

This is the part of a series of short posts that are meant to be like little nudges of counsel from what I’ve been able to experience with my 5 year old and my 2 year old.

I remember my Dad used to come to my bedroom every now and then with his hand streched out. He would walk on over to one of the walls and start “drawing lines” with his hand on the wall. His mouth would open and a speech would come out. Always in a loving tone and with great patience. I hated it and even though he would almost whisper (a great achievement for someone who talks loud by nature) it sounded like the world was about to stop spinning. His speech would go something like this:

“Son, there are a list of priorities in this life. Priorities which you must establish in your day, to make sure you do things the right way:

  1. Do your homework and study
  2. Clean up your room
  3. Help your mother and I when we request it of you
  4. Do your chores
  5. Play

As you can see, there are other more important things you must achieve before you enjoy playtime. Everything on its own time. You will have time to play later on, but for now, there are other more important things awaiting your attention”

I used to loathe these moments. Now I realize he was right. We must put things in perspective and apply priorities so we get everything we need to do, done. Always in its own time. I’m now passing along this wisdom to my kids, just not with my hand on the wall. At least not yet.

Thanks, Dad. You always showed patience with me. Especially when I misbehaved or did things poorly. I’ve never forgotten your lessons. I still apply them.

How about you, did your parents put you up for these types of speeches. Do you employ the same words with your children? Do tell.

Filed Under: Lessons, Papá Heroes, Wisdom

The Human Torch

September 29, 2011 by 2 Comments

The Human Torch by Wayne Nichols on DeviantArt

Being a Daddy is the best job I’ve ever had. Seeing my kids grow up and come up with the most amazing occurrences sets my heart on fire. There’s nothing as gratifying as seeing them smile and tell me they love me. I feel completed every time. You could say my heart is set on fire every time I’m near them.

My Children Light my Fire

Today I thought about that for a little, and got to the conclusion that my heart is on fire when I’m near them because as their father, I’m their guiding torch. I’m like a thick branch, taken from a powerful tree whose top ending is covered with cloth, embalmed with oil and lit on fire. My light will show the way my children need to follow. It’s a huge responsibility, I took about six years ago and continue to do so every day. I need to make sure I light the correct way. Otherwise, I will loose them to the void.

Many Rocks on the Path

There’s so many things on the way that can harm kids learning their way through life, that as parents, we cannot ignore the risk ,and let them learn on their own all the time. We must become their bodyguards, their guarding Angels, their Superhero or any other metaphor you wish to become. But the important thing is that they are vulnerable and without guidance, they most likely will walk away from the path we need to be lighting. Give them space to learn, but be ever-watchful if they get off the correct road.

Leading the way with Light

The torch reminded me of the way we should to lead. Always towards a bright future. It reminded me that we are here to help others. To serve as a comforting hand, to give warmth when others feel empty. The torch is a great metaphor from which to extract inspiration on how our behavior should be.

Today, I make an oath to myself to become an everlasting torch to my loved ones. Their future is invaluable to me, and I cannot afford to let it be lost. I shall be their torch, their guide and their friend.

How about you?, will you become a torch for your children as well? Take the oath, and lead them!

Filed Under: Choices, Fathers, Papá Heroes, Wisdom

Running Away with My Mom

September 10, 2011 by 3 Comments

Yes the title might be a bit misleading but stay with me and read a bit more so you can see how my mom dealt with me at the age of 5-6 when I told mom I was going tun run away to get my way.

Not Happy with Mom’s Decision

I really can’t recall why I told Mom I was going to run away. Once I did that I preceded to pack my hot wheels and other essential toys in my Mickey Mouse backpack. Being 5 or 6 years old my priorities where making sure I had enough to keep entertained (I guess now I would have packed my iPad and Macbook). I was really putting up a front that I was leaving to get my way.

Saying GoodBye before I left.

I remember I got the idea of running away from a movie . Different to the kids on the movie I decided to be polite and say my goodbyes ( I also thought of the consequences of not being polite and saying goodbye would make it even worse). When I peaked over to my mom’s room I saw her putting clothing in her luggage which completely threw me off.

Where was Mom Going?

When I asked mom why was she packing she said that it was her responsibility to take care of me so she had no choice but to run away with me. Given that my purpose was my mom giving in seeing that my mom’s efforts stayed close to her responsibility as a parent I decided to call off running away out of frustration of not being able to get my mom to give in.

My mom Sylvette is a strong woman and she does not give in no matter what. When she was younger it was not any different but I do admire the approach she took in taking the idea of running away out of my head. Not only did she demonstrate outstanding parenting skills, I also did not see the purpose in running away, if she was coming along with me.

I want to thank my mom for teaching me these tricks and tips which I will be sharing here on PapáHeroes.

Do you have any unique stories on you or your parents using an unorthodox way of teaching your kids a lesson?

Feel free to share them with us!

Filed Under: Papá Heroes, Wisdom Tagged With: , , , ,

Understanding How Much They Loved You

September 8, 2011 by 1 Comment

 

One of the best things I gained from living at my previous neighborhood was a friendship with someone who became my neighbor a few weeks after I moved in. You see, I later found out, they were distant relatives of mine. Don Tomas and his wife have become much more than that over time. They have supported us in many ways. When Lucy was pregnant they used to accompany her to the doctor’s appointments, when  I could not go. Tomas was the first person that arrived at my house when robbers broke in while Lucy was in the house. Overall Don Tomas and his wife have done a lot of remarkable things for me and Lucy.

Don Tomas has become a close family member and someone I highly appreciate. Over the last year we no longer live down the street so I can’t walk a few house and have a chat with him. Being a new parent and running my small business has also created more tasks that make it difficult for us to make time to go visit them.

Over the years I have known Don Tomas he is always full of energy. Most of the time he is listening but when he speaks he offers great advice. For me it is difficult to look at him as only a retired police officer as his knowledge puts him on top of some of the brightest people I have met. I am sure he was an awesome police officer but being how great of a person he is, he could have been great at many other things.

Don Tomas came to visit the family a few weeks ago. He wanted to see my daughter who turned 8 months. As always we spoke about many things the economy, how business is going for me, and me being a new dad.

After a few minutes into the conversation Don Tomas stated that now that I am a Dad I could understand how much I was loved as a child.

I guess that I had felt it but had not really thought about it in that way. I have been grateful that my parents took care of me in my childhood and gave me what I needed. Yes there where many obstacles such as my parent’s illnesses but overall I have to say my parents did an awesome job with the limited resources they had.

I have to thank Don Tomas for helping me channel these feelings. I am thankful for Don Tomas making me understand something that I have felt since my daughter was born months ago.

Now I know how much I was loved and I have to be more grateful of it everyday. In my life many have loved me and they all put in their effort to help me succeed.

To all of you, even if you are not parents, you have stepped in one way or another to make another child’s life better. If you are an awesome parent or are helping a parent be one, on behalf of myself and the alliance Bravo!

We need more people like Don Tomas in this world that can help us step back and realize how grateful we should be.

 

 

Filed Under: Papá Heroes, Wisdom Tagged With: , ,

Being that special someone

August 11, 2011 by 3 Comments

Water Well by gdraskoy Away in Europe on Flikr

A few weeks back, I was at home with my kids hanging out and having fun. Suddenly someone honked their horn outside and they both yelled: “Tita!”
This simple reaction, got me thinking a lot. They were having fun, with me, but at the possibility that their grandmother had arrived, they forgot about everything and felt total excitement because she had come.

I wondered for half a second, what had created this excitement in their hearts and got to a logical conclusion: my mother loves them deeply and utterly. She gives them all she has, and then some. She always makes sure they’re feeling her love and that they’re happy. Even when they misbehave and she corrects them, her aura only gives love.

Bottomless well of love

After analyzing how my Mom deals with her grandchildren, I noticed how she was never tired to be with her grandchildren. Anytime they need her, she’s already there for them. She’s made it her goal to develop a strong loving bond with them that could only make their parents a little envy.

The older she gets, the younger she feels

Tita’s, main task is to pamper my children like there is no tomorrow. She once told me that some day I’ll understand how different being a grandparent is in comparison with being a parent. She told me that since the heavy load of discipline, structure, and guidance rests in Master Yoda‘s shoulders (ok, ok… and mine also), she can enjoy the fullness of just having fun and loving them. So, she’s being a kid with them.

All the right answers

While Master Yoda and I, are currently learning the ropes as we go, Tita has an arsenal of solutions waiting for her to tap into. Having learned a lot, thanks to me and my early age adventures of course, she is able to help my kids with what I taught her. See how it all came back to me just there? Anyways, I have to say it feels nice knowing that in some strange way, I’m helping my kids from the past. By having experienced life back when I was their age, My mom now has most of the answers. She’s a walking “Time Paradox”. Sorry, you know my geekiness had to show at some point, but I digress.

A loving heart

The kindness of her words, her caress and tickles have left a permanent impression upon my children. Not a day goes by, that I don’t feel proud of having the Mother that I have. Thanks to her I’m who I am today. Her love brought me up away from any negative paths and she is now doing the same for my kids. Her loving heart grows every time she sees my kids, and My kids hearts fill with joy, when they see her. I sure am lucky to have her. I’ll have to record her every move, so when I’m a grandparent, I can have a big enough heart. To give all the love, she’s shown me she can give her grandchildren. No holds barred.

Filed Under: Family, Lessons, Papá Heroes, Wisdom
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